I need a song to motivate me. I start my treatment tomorrow and my mood is foul. Gone is the positivity. My happy thoughts have been replaced by a dark shadow that makes me hate everything. (Selfishness stops me from hating people. I need them). Hate’s probably too strong a word. I feel bitter.
I need a song, where the first few bars eradicate any thoughts of bitterness. I need a song that makes me want to smile and make pistols with my fingers. I also need a song with a beat, but one that these tired bones can manage. That means that my beloved dirty beats are out. Singing out loud would be okay too, I guess.
I am bitter about the fact that everything I do, a slight shake of my leg, a suck of my thumb, connects to my diagnosis. I feel it in my torso and I feel it in my arse.
I am bitter about the fact that people can go about their normal lives, unaffected by my cancer. Why aren’t people in mourning? I am so happy for all those people on Facebook this morning excited about their bank holiday barbecues. In fact, I am so excited, I hope it rains. I am happy for people who lead healthy lifestyles and who share it with others, I cannot walk up a flight of stairs.
I am bitter because people have not yet worked out how to look at me without pity. I may think it, I may even say it at times, but everybody needs to remember that I am not dying…Not yet.
I am bitter because I cannot see my friends, in normal surroundings. They can see me in hospital or my flat. Great. I cannot have drinks and chats in the kitchen, wander down to the pub, or go to a party that is seemingly so loud, that Taggart has to come and ask you to be quiet.
I am bitter because I feel like a child. The fact that I can still clean myself, I guess, must be seen as a silver lining.
I am bitter because my imagined life romcom now looks like the Terms of Endearment, and not Jerry Maguire.
I am bitter because we don’t know if this treatment is going to work.
It’s okay. Give me a couple of hours and this mood will be gone. I just wanted a motivational theme tune to assist. I don’t think Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Everywhere’ is going to cut it on this one. Goddamn.