Motivation

I need a song to motivate me. I start my treatment tomorrow and my mood is foul. Gone is the positivity. My happy thoughts have been replaced by a dark shadow that makes me hate everything. (Selfishness stops me from hating people. I need them). Hate’s probably too strong a word. I feel bitter.

I need a song, where the first few bars eradicate any thoughts of bitterness. I need a song that makes me want to smile and make pistols with my fingers. I also need a song with a beat, but one that these tired bones can manage. That means that my beloved dirty beats are out. Singing out loud would be okay too, I guess.

Bitterness

I am bitter about the fact that everything I do, a slight shake of my leg, a suck of my thumb, connects to my diagnosis. I feel it in my torso and I feel it in my arse.

I am bitter about the fact that people can go about their normal lives, unaffected by my cancer. Why aren’t people in mourning? I am so happy for all those people on Facebook this morning excited about their bank holiday barbecues. In fact, I am so excited, I hope it rains. I am happy for people who lead healthy lifestyles and who share it with others, I cannot walk up a flight of stairs.

I am bitter because people have not yet worked out how to look at me without pity. I may think it, I may even say it at times, but everybody needs to remember that I am not dying…Not yet.

I am bitter because I cannot see my friends, in normal surroundings. They can see me in hospital or my flat. Great. I cannot have drinks and chats in the kitchen, wander down to the pub, or go to a party that is seemingly so loud, that Taggart has to come and ask you to be quiet.

I am bitter because I feel like a child. The fact that I can still clean myself, I guess, must be seen as a silver lining.

I am bitter because my imagined life romcom now looks like the Terms of Endearment, and not Jerry Maguire.

I am bitter because we don’t know if this treatment is going to work.

It’s okay. Give me a couple of hours and this mood will be gone. I just wanted a motivational theme tune to assist. I don’t think Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Everywhere’ is going to cut it on this one. Goddamn.

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6 thoughts on “Motivation

  1. nerasposa says:

    Stay strong hun – you are an inspiration!

  2. gloria Anderson says:

    Let yourself mourn and be angry, throw things at the wall, crush things in your good hand
    ( if you have no needles in one ? ) shout, scream, throw up if it does not hurt too much but get the bile out and just remember you are loved very very much and people who do not know you wish you all the luck and love and healing in the world……. take care and when the mood lifts be strong again but do not be afraid to show your feelings…… love Glo xxx

  3. Gemma Donaldson says:

    Garbage – I’m only happy when it rains
    Nothing like a bit of girl angst, that and maybe a bit of Prodigy – Thunder good dancey track, helps work out the narked off feeling.
    Emma you are a beautiful, strong woman and you can get through this. Your motivation is your 2 gorgeous nieces so if you need an anthem try We Like to Party by Vengaboys, that always makes me think of Kirsty and smile. Lara loves her auntie Emma and days out in London with you she’s told me. I don’t think people mean to portray pity, just people don’t know how to communicate how very sorry they are and how unjust this is to happen to you. I hope from the bottom of my heart you respond well to the treatment and the pain subsides ASAP. Gem xxx

  4. Natasha duff says:

    Hi Hun well what can I say apart from prodigy fire starter has to be a song!! Kirsty has been telling me all while I am away and thinking about you loads. You can beat this hands down as you are such a fighter!!! Bad shit happens to good people of this I have seen many examples but I am sure you will be out partying with your mates in no time at all. Stay strong Hun and the rest will follow but if you need anything don’t hesitate to ask. Xxx

  5. Jo xx says:

    Hi Emma……. this may be totally inappropriate, but my motivational song is FAT BOTTOMED GIRLS by Queen. Seeing as you are a bit of a film etc boffin, dare I ask if you ever watched the series Ally Mcbeal? I loved it, as she had her motivational song, which gave her some ‘get up and go’ when needed. If you havent watched it, then do. The ‘dancing’ baby is brilliant! LOL!

    • Jo xx says:

      Oh……. need to explain, I sang Fat Bottomed Girls when in labour when I had daughter, think it may actually be Bicyle Race……… I should engage my brain before I type! Duh!

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