Forgetful

It is not a new revelation to say that I am forgetful. I forget most things, especially plans, which anybody would witness if they were able to see my face when my doorbell rings.

Today, however, I realised how easy it is for me to forget certain aspects of My Myeloma. I remember it as a whole, but day to day, I forget. Each day is as good as that day and what came before it is forgotten (unless it is the my good cylinder, I have to remember the good cylinder).

I am in good health today, I woke up refreshed and incredibly excited that Days 4-8 were over. By 09:00hrs, I had pretty much forgotten that 24 hours earlier having dressed for the clinic, I had to get back into bed and nap as I waited for my transport. So, I set myself a list of things to do for today, then failed miserably on most of it because The Lads comes round and helped me get in the festive mood instead. It does not take much. I had a marvellous time. Obviously, that is not the moral of this story. Popcorn and a satsuma does not a lunch make, and having done some physical activity, I was foolishly surprised to find that by 16:30hrs, I was beyond tired, nauseous and in need of my bed. Unable to understand why this would be happening, I telephoned Big Sister to ask why I should feel so ill. She eloquently explained that I had cancer and I had received chemotherapy just five days before. Then I remembered. I have cancer. I get tired. I need to nap.

Reminded of my plight, I lay down for an hour and let my world spin, feeling sorry for myself. I then remembered my to do list. It was time to bake.

For the last two weeks, after I returned to my 60mg dose of morphine per day, my pain has been well managed. I would go as far as to say that it has been very well managed. Remember now, I am only talking about a two week period, but in my mind, I have been “back to normal” pain-wise for months.The radiotherapy appears to have worked, and only this afternoon, I noted that I no longer have a need for my walking stick for anything other than protection. I have felt the occasional sharp tinge in my lower back, but that has been the extent of my pain. Morphine is dangerous. My pain has been so slight, that I have been able to witness the extent of the bone damage, and unfortunately this includes limited mobility in my left arm. If I had ever dreamed of being ambidextrous, those dreams would now be dashed. Shame. As I have not been in pain, I have been bending over, hugging whomever I want when I want , stretching and thrusting. Forgetting that I have bone lesions has been delightful.

After I had completed this evening’s baking session, which by the by involved some bending and light kneading, I sat down to thread some popcorn. The average Tuesday. I was enjoying myself. Yay. Enjoyment. It was a strange sensation. I then dropped a bottle of water on the floor and being a normal human being, I stretched out my arm to pick it up. As I stretched, I heard a “pop”. I felt it too. “Pop”.

And that was my reminder… I have cancer. I have multiple myeloma and with that comes bone lesions. Lots of them.

Never forget is the moral of this story. A thought of the day if you will.

In case you are on tenterhooks, the “pop” was located in my right ribcage. I have fractured a rib before because of My Stupid Myeloma and I do not need an X-ray to tell me that that is what I have done now, simply reaching out for a bottle of fizzy water. Beat that. It was a painful lesson; morphine is not a magic cure. In more ways than one, morphine has helped me to forget about this aspect of My Myeloma.

Remembering is a catch-22. Forget and I may get tired, nauseous and/or fracture something, apparently. Remember and I may get depressed and become more cancer obsessed than I am at the moment.

I should probably take some instant relief right now so I can sleep, but I fear that will make me forget even more. I will manage the pain for now, not because I am brave, but because it is safer. Starting tomorrow, I am going to have to reintroduce The Grabber. I had forgotten about that particular bad boy. One of my ribs has reminded me.

EJB x

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