The Starfish

It is that dreaded time again, when I cannot do very much. I made myself a cup of tea eight hours ago, but did not have the energy to drink it. I fell asleep with a dog on my head instead. That probably says it all.

I knew this was coming and I very much looking forward to waking up from it in three days time, just in time for Santa Claus. I have now been through this four times, and it may sound strange, but I am somewhat relieved to think that the next time I do go through this, I’ll be in hospital. Albeit with things leaking from each orifice as well, but I’ll be surrounded by more drugs. The fatigue is indescribable. I have tried, but I strongly suspect people think I am embellishing. I am not. Right now, I look like the ghost of Christmas Past mixed with Miss Haversham with breasts down to her naval.

Must remember that for each day or couple of hours down, I am that little bit closer to Christmas.

It dawned on me earlier today, how close I am to my high dose and how close I am to having this level of fatigue again, if not worse, and that the next time I do feel this way, it is going to be more dangerous. I am going to have to sort out the breast support issue by that point for it is not just going to be another cycle at Mamma Jones’ house and I do not know if people understand.

I am dwelling.

It’s my friends’ fault. Rather nicely one was arranging a dinner party earlier today for February. Everybody responded excitedly; I did not. I cannot make plans for February, before then I have to make a decision about whether I have a procedure with a 10-20% mortality rate, shave off my hair and try to tone down my irrational vat of self pity that people are forgetting just how seismic this all is….

It’s all going to be okay though. Do you know how I know it is going to be okay? Last night, for the first time since I was diagnosed, I used the whole bed. I did a starfish. On my back not front, but still. Baby steps.

EJB x

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4 thoughts on “The Starfish

  1. Littlescoot says:

    Hi Emma I read this today and thought of you xx

    It punctuates laughter
    It sparkles in our tears,
    It simmers under sorrows,
    And dissipates our fears.

    It’s pushing past impossible
    It’s pounding on the door,
    It’s questioning the Answers,
    It’s always seeking more.

    It’s rumors of a breakthrough,
    It’s whispers of a cure,
    A roller coaster ride
    Of remedies, unsure.

    Do you know what Hope is?
    It’s candy for the soul,
    It’s perfume for the spirit,
    To share it, makes you Whole.

  2. Lorna says:

    Happy Christmas Emma. It’s a real bummer not being able to plan months ahead. I remember how pissed off I was two years ago when Mike was due in for SCT on 6th Dec. but they didn’t have a bed so every day we called until eventually on the evening of 23rd after I had gone out and bought food they said come in tomorrow!. Mike’s stem cells share baby Jesus’s birthday now!

  3. carolyn lund says:

    Baby steps are where every one of us started. Baby or not its in the right direction. Go starfish Emma. C x

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