Tit For Tat

I am becoming rather fond of my current limbo. It would be even better if there was no paraprotein inside me, but alas, it is there and I must move on… I have enjoyed myself more in the last week than I have in any other week since my diagnosis. I can certainly feel the lack of drugs in my system in the snippets of normality that this giving me.

I would tell you every individual thing I have done this last week, but I am not inclined to do so. I can tell you that I have been to a cinema, a theatre, an exhibition in an actually museum, work, a pub and I have travelled on the tube. If I told you more, it would make you jealous and long to be living my life, so it is only fair of me not to do that. Needless to say that I am more than happy that on more than one occasion this week, I have left my flat for more than five hours for something that is not myeloma related.

It feels like a return. A temporary return, but a return nonetheless.

I can feel my brain function slowly increasing, with the things that have been lying dormant slowly waking up again. You only need to see how excited I got about my work’s staff survey results or listen to my internal monologue about the wonder of Alfred Hitchcock, to see that this is true.

I had the occasional week off during PADIMAC, six to be precise, and during these times, I thought that I felt ‘normal’. I now know that I did not, I just felt marginally better. Maybe I did feel normal, it’s just that a week is not long enough. For as much fun as I am having, each day or if I am lucky two days of fun are punctuated by a day of rest. Like my paraprotein level, this too is unfortunate. My body pays me back for having fun, by sucking out my energy whilst I am sleeping, thus preventing me from getting out of bed when I wake the following day. I cannot escape from this.

At this moment in time, during my limbo, I cannot long for anymore than what I am getting. I know that in two months time, I won’t be able to do very much at all, and I can use this time to remember that there will be light at the end of the next tunnel.

A little bit of retribution from my body three days a week, compared to everything I have managed thus far, I can handle. This break is my long awaited holiday.

How ever short this period may be, it is the first time in a long time where My Myeloma has not been at the forefront of my mind, and that is really, nice.

EJB x

P.S. If I have said it once, I will say it a thousand times. I will forever be amazed by the fact that the drugs the Medically Trained People administer to make you feel better, actually make you feel worse. Maybe that is payback too, to make you remember your luck. Luck that when you get sick, there are people trained to make you better. Now, if only one of those people could find a cure…

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One thought on “Tit For Tat

  1. Deborah says:

    Hi Emma
    It was good to read that you have had some myeloma free time even if it it somewhat temporarily. Right now I am been driven back to UCLH which I am calling my parallel universe. Today it is MRI scans, heart scans and my first infusion of something or other! You have inspired me to get my own blog started so I have spent the week watching YouTube videos about WordPress and I am almost ready to launch myself on the world. Treatment starts on Monday and I feel I shall be spending most of my time commuting. I can’t pretend I am not scared by the whole process to come but I am a survivor and have every intention of beating this bloody thing! I intend to spend my time writing a column for a national newspaper ( they don’t know this yet!) and reporting on the NHS from the other side. Being off work for a bit for a work a holic like me I thought might be too much too bare but I have never been so busy. I also have a brand new short trendy hair cut and feel strangely excited about life ( no I am not currently taking the steroids!) Just perhaps today they will tell me they have got it so terribly wrong, just perhaps today they will tell me that the cure for myeloma is the temporary colour wash the hairdresser applied or maybe I have been part of a psychological experiment to see how it feels to be given bad news! I want to tell my friends and family I was only joking, I am more than happy to put up with their anger for playing such a dreadful trick.

    A girl can dream, and I am the best dreamer of all i just don’t do nightmares very well!

    Perhaps we will catch up sometime in the parallel universe?

    Take care

    Deborah x

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