Snow ⛄❄

Once upon a time, I used to love the snow. I do not love it anymore.

The current nationwide obsession with the weather is clearly an overreaction. It may be below zero, but this is not an Apocalypse. For me, and this may also be an overreaction, the snow represents incarceration. I am a prisoner to the snow and this is partly due to me being sensible and partly because I am scared of it.

My mood up until Friday was pleasant. I was not thinking about My Myeloma, or my treatment, I was just getting on with things, and when the snow started, it put a dampener on all of that. I have not left my flat since Friday, and to be honest, I have barely left my bed. I knew the snow was coming, every media outlet told me so, and I prepared for it. I panic bought and my flat is full of activities to keep me occupied. I have not done anything. I do not have the inclination to do anything and that is the snow induced depression talking. I have had days where I have stayed in the flat for longer than this, but that is not when I have felt this well. I feel reasonably healthy right now, and that is making this prison so much worse. My addiction to social networking is also making it worse. I see images of people having fun in the snow. In my pre-myeloma days I would have been one of those people. I would be making snow angels or taking a walk with my wellies on listening to the powder break beneath my feet with my imaginary boyfriend or A Twin, but I cannot do that now. I cannot pop into the pub after a winter walk to warm up, because I cannot go for a walk. I promised people I wouldn’t.

My experience of the snow amounts to this:

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On Friday, my wonderful break was interrupted by having to go to the hospital, which obviously reminded me of the fact that I have cancer. By the time I was at the hospital, I did not need to be reminded, the fear I had leaving my front door and getting into the ambulance was enough. A normal person could slip on the ice and break a bone. I do not know what damage I could cause to myself and this is constantly in the back of my mind and the reason I am still in my house. Such was my concern about the outdoors that I considered not going to a dinner in the evening because I did not want to chance a fall. Instead, with agreement with my friends, we settled on me walking slowly, accompanied. I had to be accompanied like a child. The whole affair made me feel like a pathetic little child, who is afraid of the snow. It was then that I decided I would keep my promise and not go out again.

If the snow was not enough to send my mood south, I had the hospital appointments with the inevitable waiting and anxiety, and the dinner. Not through anything my friends did, but more because I felt like I could not offer anything to the conversations. Try as I might, My Myeloma has changed me. Anything new from me is related to My Myeloma and this is not what people want to hear on a Friday night. It is important to me, and the things that can impact upon it. When one of my friends told me in jest that me talking about the weather was boring, I do not think she understood just how much this weather is creating a storm in my life and thus, how much it means to me. I talk and I think about it, because it stops me from doing things that I used to take for granted. I long for the day when the matter of boys and going out are at the forefront of my mind, but on Friday, it was clear to me that they are not and I do not know when they will be again. I cannot expect others to feel the gravity of my situation like I do. Others cannot understand how a comment or conversation would upset me, when I hardly know it myself, plus my sensitivities change daily. I am an emotional roller coaster. I am my own Nemesis. Since my diagnosis, the hardest thing to get my head round is realising that everybody else’s life goes on, even though mine does not.

I have spent most of the last 48 hours thinking about how boring I am and the paranoia has been in free flow. I cannot help but think that I am dull. At least the tears were hidden on Friday. If I cannot have fun with my friends, who can I have fun with?

I am frustrated because my imprisonment may appear like an over the top reaction, much like this spiral I have found myself on, but the stakes of me leaving the comfort of my flat are high.

It is what it is however and I have to deal with it, I just wish that I could do so without feeling sorry for myself. It’ll get better, starting around…. Now.

I blame the snow. It’s all the snows fault.

Bring on the rain please. ☔☔☔☀☔☔☔

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6 thoughts on “Snow ⛄❄

  1. Jet Black says:

    Definitely NOT dull or boring!
    There will be some friends who get it and others who don’t and you may find yourself making choices about who you want to keep in your life. At least that’s been my experience. ⛄👎😳 But I’ve also discovered some great new people who are TOTALLY there. 🌞👍😊

    • ejbones says:

      Thanks Jet. I try not to be dull, but I think it is a sad fact of life that myeloma, or cancer in general is boring,

      Since my diagnosis, I have been overwhelmed by my Support Network and the support I get from expected and the unexpected places. I am not ready to give up on those who can occasionally be insensitive. For every Twin, Middlesborough or Lad, I have people who I think do not want to know, because the truth is scary. I do not think they necessarily get what is happening to me, and I also guess that waiting for me to get better is boring.

      That said, when I get upset over things people may have said, or if people have not been in contact, I have to remind myself that I do not know how I would behave if the situation was reversed. I’d like to think that I would learn all about myeloma and be there constantly, but I’d probably, repeatedly, put my foot in my mouth by talking about things that I have done that they have not or can’t do. Inevitably though, I would get on with my life and they could be annoyed at me for that. My jealously can be overwhelming.

      I was talking to The Twins’ Mum yesterday and she said that whilst some people may be insensitive, I am oversensitive and sometimes that is not a happy marriage. I just have to stick with it. Stick with them. I have known these people for ten years and we have been through a great deal, including one of them having cancer… It’ll sort itself out. There are days I want to talk about My Myeloma and days when I don’t. I hope they just misread the situation.

  2. Deborah says:

    Well for what it’s worth I find you far from boring and I am just hoping that isn’t because I am boring too! I envy your writing skills and feel the pressure of ensuring my new blog will be as equally as wiity and as thought provoking as yours. Since signing up for your blog I have been excited to check my post for updates. Please keep going, you could always consider writing a racy novel for the new daybreak competition you never know maybe you have the next 50 shades of Grey lurking inside there somewhere and there is a Mills and Boon book deal up for grabs.
    Today I must brave the snow and travel down to UCLH for my first treatment, like you the snow doesn’t provide me with the excitement it once did. Roll on the Summer not that I am wishing my life away as I want time to slow down at the moment ( providing plenty of cure finding opportunities) but I do have a party in the barns planned and it would be great if you could come along. So keep the 6th or 13th July free!
    Take care and keep writing please.
    Deborah x

  3. lexsborgia says:

    Booty hug@you from across the canal. Keep it safe for a while, I don’t have many of those in stock right now. 🙂

  4. BOring is not how I would describe you, EJ… are there no support groups near you with folks who are facing similar challenges? It’s a tough nut, no doubt about it. I can relate about the snow, though. Albeit I’m classified as a senior citizen, the snow freaks me out now where a fall could be more than just scary.

    While MM has changed your focus, and other people (of any age) have a difficult time understanding what it means to be afraid of falling, germs and hearty handshakes or hugs, there are still people out there in the world who either can relate, or are willing to… intending some of the latter are headed your way!

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