Nerves

Way back on the 20 August 2012, I do not recall being nervous about my first bone marrow biopsy. At that time, my world had just exploded and I was in so much pain I needed assistance going to the toilet. I considered the biopsy to be the least of my worries and to be honest, it wasn’t that bad. It was unpleasant, but not bad. I didn’t even bruise. I think the Doctor found it more stressful than I did for I did not need to mop my brow during. I just, for some unknown reason, said on repeat the names of all high security prisons in alphabetical order split by function. It came to me in a dream.

Now, on the 7 March 2013, I am nervous about my next bone marrow biopsy. The reason I know I am nervous is that it is 05:30hrs and I have been awake for 90 minutes desperately trying not to think about the bizarre sucking sensation I am going to experience in approximately six hours time. I am also preoccupied with the thought that my nerves might make me audibly pass wind during the procedure. Of course, that is if I were capable of passing wind, which I am not. Everybody knows I am an elegant lady and us Elegant Ladies do not do that sort of thing.

I am annoyed with myself for being nervous. My thinking around this procedure akin to being kicked by a horse, is that it is a necessity, and thus any apprehension needs to be pushed aside and thrown away in my newly emptied kitchen bin, because it is a reality of having myeloma. I remember my Doctor on the 20 August apologising for having to do my biopsy and my response was simple, it was “well, you have to don’t you?”.

So, somewhere in the next few hours, I will relocate my can-do attitude and just let them get on with it. I was adamant that I did not need sedation for this, because I want to experience it, so, I really must just crack on.

I am a Hardcore Mofo.

Oh gosh, it is definitely a day for lipstick and unfortunately, a day for the baggy trouser.

EJB x

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2 thoughts on “Nerves

  1. Jet Black says:

    I’ll be thinking of you, EJ, especially as I’m in clinic today too. I have the same kind of response to the apologies I get from the GU nurses who ‘have to’ freeze my tender bits.
    Eight BMBs down the line, I’ve become a bit injured to them, but it’s ok to be nervous. I hope it goes smoothly for you and I bet you rock the baggy pants. x

  2. Jet Black says:

    P.S. I wore lipstick and mascara today too… in your honour! 💉💄and a red dress. Haematology rools ok! 👍

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