Have you ever filled looked at a form and thought that you would rather stick a needle in your eye and eat a horse manure pie, than to complete it? Of course you have. Well, that is just the predicament I find myself in at present.
Having cancer, and a cancer that effects ones mobility so much that they once asked a stranger to tie up their shoelace, is not enough to qualify as ‘disabled’, nor does it automatically entitle you to all the money in land. The Government, it would seem, require evidence. Mountains of it. I have spent the last week finding out just how much evidence is required.
To make my life just that little bit easier, I wish to be officially classified as disabled and I would like financial assistance with my rent. I have long been a fan of the welfare state, and although I have some misgivings about taking even more of your money, I feel now is the time to cash in on your enforced generosity. I have a cancer with no cure after all.
The only snag in my planning, is that I am not eligible to your money. Well, my landlord is not anyway. During a productive meeting with the Macmillan benefits advisor last week, I discovered that I cannot receive Housing Benefit, because my half pay still means I have £71 per week to live on after rent and council tax. Please note the £71 does not include utility bills. So, with my hopes dashed of receiving an extra £5 per week, I decided to think of a glass half full and be thankful that I did not have to complete another form, which required copies of my bank statement, two pay checks, tenancy agreement, medical diagnosis, proof of identity, two utility bills and Housemate’s salary details. Tick.
The kind lady, who I eventually won over with my manners and smile forty minutes into our chat, did think I would be eligible for free healthcare services. I know what some of you not based in the land of mince pies, shortbread and Stilton, will be confused by this statement, as you may understand our wonderful NHS to be free. Well, dental care, prescriptions (except when you have cancer) and eye care are not free for all. It’s the recession. So, I was given a twenty page form to complete, which only required a pay check, a year’s bank statement, thorough breakdown of financial assets (this was brief) and a utility bill. Bar a copy of my bank statement, that bad boy was completed yesterday. Tick.
When it comes to being disabled, the bureaucratic definition is somewhat more refined than the general public’s might be, and the definition varies between central and local government. Again, I will reiterate that all of this is to make my life that little bit easier, so it may surprise you to hear that to obtain a blue badge and concessionary travel, I needed to complete and provide the following;
* A 36 page form claiming Personal Independence Payment plus three additional pages explaining my physical limitations, which if approved will mean that in some quarters, including cinemas, museums and theatres, I will be classed as ‘Disabled’
* A six page form to my local council requesting free travel, because getting national agreement does not qualify me as disabled because lyctic lesions in the spine does not an automatic disabled make
* An online form requesting a Blue Badge, I am told that my local council may not allow me this, if I have free travel
* At least one, if not two, independent physical assessments
* At least one medical professional to back up my claims
* Numerous medical documents including a list of medication
Yesterday, I spent much of my day preparing this information. It was mildy satisfying, whilst being completely frustrating at the same time. It is a well known fact that government is a well oiled machine, so it wold be no surprise that I found the forms and information confusing. I received one form in the post that came with a stamped addressed envelope to return it, but I was separately informed that the council will only accept it if I return it in person. I feel like this could be a trick. I applied for the PIP benefit over a month ago and I received the form last week, thank goodness it was not urgent. Fortunately, there is a PIP helpline, which I phoned twice and I when I asked what information would be required, I was told that the help desk person had not seen the form. So, that was useful.
I will tell you something for nothing, I am constantly heading things about ‘Benefit Britain’ and people taking advantage of the system, but in order for somebody to understand these forms, they must be a frickin’ genius and deserve whatever they get. Even the ones who warrant the reminder to complete the forms in ink, with their own information and those of another.
Personally, I do not understand why there are so many hoops to jump. The system seems to be designed so that the applicant is branded a liar and then has to prove their innocence. Living with cancer is just so easy after all. It feels like a competition. My medical ailment is worse than yours… Fact.
Now, after all that form filling and ink, I have to take a trip to a photocopier, and then wait, and do a physical assessment and find out more about a mystery taxi service and try to recover from my transplant. Tick.