Unnecessary Panic

I have made and continue to make no secret of the fact that when it comes to my monthly doctor’s appointments, there is a heightened sense of panic about my aura. I used to call it Bad News Wednesday, until try moved my appointments to Thursday.

Today, is a Thursday and I was not panicking about my appointment. It was a non appointment, just a check up before my biopsy and The Decision. The only thing extraordinary about my appointment was the fact that it was earlier than I would have liked at 10:00hrs (to accommodate the festival obviously). I even showered before Housemate left for work this morning. Extraordinary.

Everything about my arrival to the Clinic was normal. I was late. I did not get my favourite blood taking people, even though I crossed my fingers and I had to sit next to people much older than me, with at least two of who where incredibly hard of hearing with weak bladders. A Senior Medical Person even asked A Not As Senior Medical Person for assistance is a less than subtle way, which I suppose was acceptable because the patient in question was deaf. Oh and the clinic was running later than me. I was calm.

My tranquility was interrupted however when a medical person greeted me with these fear inducing, palpitation producing words:

“I thought your mum was coming today?”

And why oh why did she need to come? That appointment is a month away? What they hell were they going to tell me? What’s going on? This is it. Bugger. Bugger. Codswallop.

And then I got to wait another half an hour before I got my answers…. Thirty long minutes, during which I pondered over sending several frantic text messages, to prepare people for the worst. I inhaled the stale cigarettes and alcohol smell stuck in the denim on denim outfit worn by the man on the more comfortable seat to my left. I started to sweat. I listened to commercial hip hop and pretended, internally, that I was Miley Cyrus. I waited. I was anxious. I braced myself…

And, after all that, I need to prepare myself for the likelihood that I will be having more treatment come November. It will probably be Velcade alone. I anticipated this. Phew. It’s not the miracle, it’s not the long awaited end to this volume, I’m beginning to think that will not happen, but it is doable. I do not think a full course of treatment would be.

That was it. A whole lotta something over nothing. Funny thing though, my relief was and is bittersweet…. Always bittersweet.

In other news, my hot flushes cannot be treated by haematology, which means that I will be having more hot flushes. Great. Zometa continues to be forbidden. Great.

EJB x

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2 thoughts on “Unnecessary Panic

  1. Terri J says:

    Our minds play evil tricks on us & cause us to panic unnecessarily. Even with what they say is Complete Remission my daughter is on the Revilmid pill because they say it slows the progression of the disease. Fatigue is the main side effect of that because it makes her counts go low. Bloodwork every month before she gets the Zometa.

  2. kpw413 says:

    Chinese Fortune Cookie say:
    “Worry is interest paid on a debt you may not owe.”

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