Something Old, Something New

I am not one who always embraces change. I like to feel safe and familiar, though I also like progression, and that is why I am never pleased. Today, I am faced with something that is both familiar and new, and I cannot distinguish whether the distribution is correct.

Some people may think this is strange, but whenever I am confronted with a room that is decorated in red and off whites, full of people in uniforms who know who I am, sitting on a big red chair, waiting for thirty minutes and counting, I feel safe. I feel safe even though only unpleasant things happen here. The sight of my electronics resting on a red footstool is rather comforting, even if I am annoyed with myself for forgetting to bring my phone charger with me. In fact, one would be forgiven, as I sit here sipping on my Costa tea, which has a hint of cardboard about it, that absolutely nothing has changed since I was last in the big red chair, that everybody knows is my favourite. Have I mentioned this before?

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Life has of course changed, since I was last in the hot seat. This has changed. I will not allow myself to think that this is exactly the same as the 40 times I have been here before. It is different. I am making it different. I cannot feel like I have not moved on since I first came here for Velcade on 1 September 2012.

This is a new chapter.

I am not having Velcade to reach a certain point or a target, there is no transplant at the end of this round of treatment, particularly because this is not part of a cycle, and it is not a set of treatment, this is something that I am going to have indefinitely, every fortnight, to hold something off for as long as possible and keep me in the myeloma definition of a word of which we do not speak. That is what makes the here and now different.

I may still be sitting in the red chair, chatting utter gibberish to the Medically Trained People because I am suffering from the fatigue today, occasionally looking at the borderline attractive doctors, whilst writing a blog on my iPad, but this is different. They’ve changed the wifi user name for goodness sake!

I know what you are thinking, there is a part of this story that is missing. Why have I been sitting on the second floor of the Macmillan Cancer Centre for 80 minutes now, waiting for an injection of Cilit Bang? Why have I just had to fill out two questionnaires about numbness and my poo?

The answer is simple, because I have to. It’s the pay off the likes of me have to make when the disease they have is not currently active. I think.

So, it may walk like a duck and quack like a duck, but in this particularly case, it is definitely not a duck. I’m a mother effing swan.

EJB x

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4 thoughts on “Something Old, Something New

  1. Terri J says:

    I think you feel comfortable in a room of red & off white because you know the people there will take care of you. You have excepted that this will fit into your life . It has to. Coming to a room of red & off white will keep you living. Or maybe I’m being to deep. Maybe red & white remind you of candy canes & you love peppermint bark candy. Who knows.

  2. Jet Black says:

    I totally relate to feeling safe at the Haematology clinic and Daycase. I call it Cheers… you know “the place where everyone knows your name”. So did I understand it right, you’re on Velcade every fortnight as maintenance? I haven’t heard of that before. I hope the new chapter is successful. x

    • ejbones says:

      Yes I am, I am not sure they have done it before either, but we’re giving it a go and hoping that it keeps me in remission for as long as possible.

      I too call the clinic ‘Cheers’. Not so much the doctors appointments, but the treatment areas are comforting and the sad part is, even the staff know I have a favourite chair.

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