WARNING – This blog contains some uncharacteristic musings
I have forgotten to do something. It is not that I have forgotten to do something exactly, it’s just that I do not know how to do it. I want and I think I need to express my gratitude to my people for carrying me through the last 15 months. I know that I would not have been able to get to this current point, this remission, if it were not for the many people working away behind the scenes. It sounds trite perhaps, to say that I would not have been able to do it were it not for the support I have received, but it is true. In case you were wondering, this is going to get overly sentimental. Get a bucket.. Sure, I am
frequently pleased when people congratulate me on my strength and stoicism, but that it a facade. Any face I put on, or actual strength I have, derives from the people I have had and still have around. I have doubted it, and I have doubted them, make no mistake of that, but it is true. I imagine it is a feeling similar to the feeling the historical character Harry Potter had when he fought the evil Voldemort with his dead loved ones standing by his side. Like that, only my loved ones are not dead.
It does feel somewhat odd thanking people for something that is not over. I just have a time out, and I will continue to struggle and wobble over the myeloma mountains. I will have to continue to draw strength and perspective from those around me for as long as I have left, because the myeloma makes it so. This acknowledgement then, really is just a timely reminder to say that I still need you; it is attention seeking really.
I would be the first person to admit that My Myeloma has not been an easy ride for those around me. It has been hard and at times, traumatic. In case you were wondering, this may include exaggerations too. As much as I tried not to make it so, My Myeloma became the focus of all my relationships. One friend told me recently that people, like me, needed a break from myeloma and by that, they occasionally needed a break from me because the myeloma dominated so much, for so long. Now, I might not whole heartedly agree with the logic, but I understand the sentiment. Myeloma is tiresome. Supporting a weak, depressed sick person, or patient if you must, is tiresome and it is not always fun. I like being self obsessed more than the next person, but not to this degree. People have been there for me, more than I have them and this upsets me greatly. I really did try to make this not the case, but it was inevitable. I need to acknowledge in a forum other than in my head, that My Myeloma has made me less of the friend I wish I could be.
And yet, I look up now, and people are still here and for the most part, I really do not know why. My relationships may have changed, but there is not one person who was here 16 months ago, who is not here now. In fact, I feel like I have picked up a few extras along the way. Say what you want about myeloma and I feel like I have said everything, it really does bring people together. It also makes you feel as lonely as hell, but this is a nice blog. I look at a lot of people now and my internal monologue says slushy things that only I should hear, whilst I fight a desire to hug them tightly.
I do not know how to thank people for sticking by me. Prior to My Myeloma, I rarely expressed my feelings towards others, in anyway but my presence. I believed that my loyalty was enough for my friendships to endure. It may still be enough now, but My Myeloma has made me lose perspective. Medals would be too much, right? This blog is too much, right?
I considered thanking people individually, but then I remembered that although I have a cancer with no cure, doing so, telling people individually what they mean to me, would embarrass me, and I dare say it would embarrass them too, and I really should not be drinking the amount of alcohol required to lubricate those conversations. I thought about listing them on here, explaining the individual role they have had in making me get out of bed, but that too would not have worked, because inevitably I would miss people out or over thank one person and not another, thus causing an argument over something as pure as a Forever Friends bear, and as one friend pointed out at some point during this journey, friendship with My Myeloma and me is not competition.
At times during my first chapter I have felt let down, misunderstood and alone; and I have been confused by absence and silences. Now, however, the overwhelming feelings towards my family and friends are positive ones. I truly could not have done it without you, from your grand gestures to daily presence. So, please enjoy, my thank you;
I thank you for all of it. I thank you for not running away when my heart turned from stone. I thank you for phoning me every day and being my second mum. I thank you for being my mum. I thank you for understanding the medicine. I thank you for letting me be mean to you. I thank you for the sacrifices you have made. I thank you for always knowing exactly the right thing to say, and also for not knowing what to say. I thank you for waking me up every morning and being a pillar of strength for me even if you did not know that is what you were doing. I thank you for telling me when I was being an arse and shouting at me when I do not listen. I thank you for being normal and treating me normally. I thank you for coming to the hospital with me for treatment or waiting with me for my transport. I thank you for loyalty. I thank you for buying me milk and walking it to my flat. I thank you for offering to do anything. I thank you for force feeding me soup. I also thank you for all the cooked dinners. I thank you for all the books you gave me, that I have still not been able to read. I thank you for not letting a bit of myeloma and chemotherapy stop you from telling me off for over filling the bin. I thank you for playing Words With Friends everyday. I thank you for taking my mind off it. I thank you for taking me out. I thank you for always coming to me and sitting on my sofa for hours. I thank you for cheering me up. I thank you for my beautiful television. I thank you for all the legally acquired viewing. I thank you for showing me that family is important and I thank you for making your presence known. I thank you for continuing to ring despite me never answering my phone or returning your call. I thank you for reading the blog. I thank you for changing my bedding and hoovering my room. I thank you for taking me to the football. I thank you for letting me be petty. I thank you for listening. I thank you for acting as a protective barrier in a crowd. I thank you for everything and anything I may have missed above.
Most of all, I just want to thank you for being there, in all your different guises, in all your different ways. I also, most vehemently, ask you not to go anywhere. In case you were in any doubt.
I am very pleased to have met you.
Now, if you excuse me, I think I have to vomit.