There are many days, and days which role into weeks, where the overriding thought in my large head, is about how much I hate myeloma. The level of hatred has two main determining factors, the first is pain and the second is fear. Pain is self explanatory, fear is not. My fear of myeloma is made up of so many parts, including fear for my future and fear of what obstacle myeloma is going to throw at me when I least expect it, thus disrupting my best laid plans. Myeloma has a habit of doing that, it pulls one down when they least expect it.
I hate myeloma this week for one reason and one reason only. I fear it will disrupt my plans. Not just any plans, the best plans. Next week, next Wednesday to be precise, I get to go on an actual holiday. There will be an airport, an aeroplane and holiday insurance. Ten days after my return, I get to go on another aeroplane, because I believe My Myeloma is letting his hair down.
For me, the act of a ‘holiday’ is far beyond the act of a holiday. I think that is all the best description I can muster for now, for musings about freedom, progress and life is not what this blog is about. This blog is about anxiety. I am so close to actually being able to go on a holiday that I do not, under any circumstances, want it to be taken away from me. As we all know, myeloma has a sneaky habit of zapping all the joy out of a situation, so my concern is legitimate. My counsellor suspects that this is the reason why I have been experiencing a number of anxiety dreams of late. The downside of which, is that for the last fortnight I have been in a permanent state of fatigue.
To mitigate the risk posed by myeloma, I have implemented an EJJ Preservation Project Plan, which for this means that between Monday and my departure date, I have allocated all my waking hours. It is a plan on top of my usual daily plan to exist in spite of myeloma. In reality, it means that I am without a social life this week and I can excuse my usual laziness. If I am not working, I am at home resting, not dusting. My energy expenditure this weekend is going to reduce so significantly, I may not get dressed. It’s not just me telling myself I have to do these things. By now, for those in the know, it is common sense. The more energy I use, the more likely I am to pick up a bug *please do not let me pick up a bug*. The more energy I use, the more likely I am to not be able to get out of bed next Wednesday morning and subsequently spend the rest of my holiday lying in a bed and missing what I assume, will be marvellous scenery. I contemplated living in a protective bubble, but that would not work well with my employment. I genuinely may avoid all forms of seafood between now and Wednesday, just in case it irritates my bowel. I definitely will not be licking a raw chicken breast. For this, I am taking no chances. That’s the myeloma payoff. Yesterday, I stopped myself from walking along a curb, just in case my body decided to fall over resulting in a fractured femur.
Everywhere and everything is dangerous to me this week. Vigilance is key.
Myeloma did this to me and I also hate that about myeloma. It has me always waiting for the other shoe to drop and kick me in the nose as it falls. That cannot happen this week. It will not happen. I have waited too long.
I will be going on holiday. I will be going on holiday. I will be going on holiday. Fingers crossed whilst touching wood.