Today marks day one of my third cycle, already. Thus, today is my 43rd day on the PADIMAC trial, already. I was formally diagnosed 50 days ago today, already.
Doesn’t time fly when you are having fun? Lots of fun.
So today and for the three days following, I will be receiving chemotherapy and self administering steroids. At the end of the last cycle, it was proving difficult to find my veins for the cannula. The cannula is needed so I can receive the drugs intravenously. Why can I not have veins like Madonna? I used to have these lovely blue veins in my arm, visible for all the world to see, well, on closer acquaintance… Now, my veins have gone into hiding. This means I am going to bruise.
Later in the week or early next week, I will find out how much my paraprotein has reduced by during my last cycle. I was so pleased with my results from the first, a 35% reduction, from 40 to 26. But then, I stupidly asked one of my doctor’s whether it was a good result and his comment that it was not 50%, has plunged me into a pool of doubt. My positivity is trying to find its way back, but for the first time since I started the trial, I have properly started to think about this trial failing, about my body not completely responding to the treatment. I want it to so, so, badly. I don’t care if I do it in two more cycles or four. I just want it to work. I want the paraprotein gone. It is good to be aware of the worst case scenario, of course it is, and that is why I continue to ask the questions, but I do not want the trial to fail. I do not want to be preoccupied with the thought of it failing either. Maybe I am thinking this way because I have heard of two success stories of late and rather than finding comfort in this, the statistic has me worried, frightened that I am not going to respond. If I am honest, I am also jealous. Jealous that others are getting better and we do not know yet whether I will. I have also established that I am incredibly impatient.
I do not want to start my next round of treatment thinking like this. I strongly believe that a positive outlook will only help the success of the treatment. My frown has to be turned upside down. This feeling is not me. I am not this negative, an occasional bitch maybe, but not negative. Hang on, maybe this mood has something to do with another cycle all together… Ah, hope. A little ray of light shining through.
I want and need you all to remember the chant and will my recovery with a complete response, which will mean a paraprotein level of <1. You also now need to will the return of my positivity. I'll be doing all of this as well, so you are not out there on your own.
This is a blip. A temporary hiccup. I’ll be back, sooner rather than later.
The Cosmos seems to be in my favour, for coincidently, today also marks my first appointment with my counsellor. I think it is clear that I now need it.