Tag Archives: caring

Selfishness

Myeloma stands accused of being selfish. It stands accused because it is selfish. No trial needed. Myeloma dominates and myeloma leads. I can sit here and tell you that it does not do those things, but I would lying. I have been accused of being selfish because of My Myeloma. I have also been accused of enjoying the attention I get from myeloma and enjoying it to the detriment of others. Unlike my statement about myeloma, which is a bloodsucking selfish bastard with a low public profile, I do not think the same can be said for me even if I am tooting my own delightful horn.

I think we are all, to some extent, selfish. I do not think selfishness necessarily makes a person horrid, and with that, I justify my existence.

People are always going to concern themselves with issues of self, no matter how much time they concern themselves with the lives of others. Before I was diagnosed, I estimate that there was a 50/50 split in terms of how much I loathed myself and how much I loved others. In treatment, post my diagnosis, that even split was unattainable, and I concentrated my thoughts on myself more and more. I wish I had the capacity to support others the way I know I am capable, but in treatment, I was not capable. Of course some of the reciprocal arrangement that is friendship remained, just, I deduce, to a lesser degree. Myeloma did not make me wholly incapable of multiple thought, it just makes it difficult to execute them.

I regret this. I had to prioritise. I am somewhat ashamed to admit it, but I concluded that my need was greater than others. I developed a crude, patented formula, in which I multiplied tales of woe and illness with the chances of remedy then divided it against personality, and in almost every occasion, I was top of the table. I love my Support Network, and I tried to maintain balanced friendships, but inevitably, some things went a little skew-whiff.

I am not saying that myeloma is the worst thing that can happen to somebody, but it is pretty high up there on the scale of awful things and that required most of my attention. I may sound entitled, I do not mean to and nor do I wish to be, I wish that I did not need to gather so much of my attention on myself, but that is the way it is. There was a time when myeloma dominated everything. I understand why people would get frustrated by it, I did do, and unlike everybody else, I had and have no respite.

There have been occasions when my formula has assessed that somebody else’s need for understanding, thought and love was greater than my own. Like My Myeloma, I see that the pain of what they have gone through or are currently have to go through, which cannot be taken away or absorbed. It’s excruciating. It is easy for me to forgot that other people experience grief too and unlike many things in life, there is no immediate remedy. I wish that the world was not like that. I imagine that for them whatever it is they are going through, becomes all consuming and everything that happens in between is play acting, despite whatever will there is for it to be real. In these circumstances, I hope I can show what a friend needs to show.

I have devoted a lot of thought recently to my selfishness and by default, how this has influenced the way people view me. On the one hand, I do have less sympathy for others, on the other hand, I empathise more with others. I believe the latter makes up for any deficiency gained from the former. I love more and I care more. I might not show it correctly, my myeloma may make it impossible for me to show it, but I do. My life is too short for anything else.

Myeloma has many downsides, many ways in which go ruin a life. When jt comes go my empathy, and how I care for others, I think myeloma has made me a better person. It made me prioritise. Of course view is somewhat one sided, I’m thinking about my self.

EJB x

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