Tag Archives: dirt

Wig Maintainance

The one and only benefit to being a baldy unless you are Bruce Willis, is the speed with which one can get dressed. Not having to wash and manage my wonderful, former mane has saved about an hour per wash (I don’t want people imagining that I was doing anything wonderful with it, like brushing it 100 times, I had a life, that was simply, necessary drying time). These days are quite different, I can officially was and go. In and out. The introduction of fake eye lashes to my regime may change things slightly, I am told they require precision which I do not have, but for the moment, when I have energy that is, I am speedy as my foundation brush strokes will imply. Speedier than I was anyway. I still have to decide what not to wear.

I had failed to recognise something however, when it comes to my new regime. It is a relatively simple thing. The guidance came on one side of A4 after all. The simple thing is, washing the wig or in my case, wigs. Until today, I thought that the need to do so, had not yet arisen. I was contemplating it, but it was not yet something I felt was sufficiently urgent for me to spend my energy credits.

The majority of my wigs are straight and in terms of cleanliness, I am looking out for two things; grease and smell. I have not witnessed either. Today, I witnessed something else entirely, deep within the depths of my curls and that my friends, is the little known problem of the dried spider. In some territories, I believe they call it the candied spider, due to the sticky surface which imprisons the spider in the synthetic weave before it is placed in a hot room in front of a window in the middle of summer to die. If you are still uncertain about what happened this morning, let me enlighten you. As I repositioned my wig on my head, I discovered on the fringe, to the left, something that resembled a knot, but it was actually a long gone to the after world spider. An animal. In your real hair one gets lice. In wigs, you get dead spiders. Apparently.

Clearly, I am now concerned that my wigs are mass graveyards and I will be attempting to rectify that in the near future, if I feel that way inclined. However, I am well aware of who I am and my limitations. So should you be. The most recent evidence supports my recent theory, that I am, one big, dirty, rat bag. It’s not because I have cancer.

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Exhibit A

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Exhibit B

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Hand Washing

A myeloma sufferer nearing their transplant date has many things to worry about. I can say this with the greatest authority, for I am a myeloma sufferer nearing her transplant date.

My greatest worry at the moment is not the 2% mortality rate, the high probability of mouth ulcers and lava like shit or the weight loss. Oh no, my greatest worry is how the hell I am going to remember to wash my hands in my new immune system-less body.

I have been told that I need to wash my hands after I have been out in public or handled money, before I prepare food, before I eat food and apparently after I have gone to the potty. Okay, I knew the last one already, and almost always did it.

In my adult life, I have strongly believed that one should expose themselves to some germs. I thought it made me strong. Sure, I washed my hands after I disposed of my waste or handled raw chicken, but that was my limit. Anticipating a world where I have to wash my hands after I shake somebody else’s does not sound like a fun one.

I am a thumb sucker. I love the comfort I get from it, but it’s not going to taste very nice covered in antibacterial hand wash is it?

Am I going to have to start opening doors with my elbows? Should I wear a mask in public? How much does hand wash cost? Is there a cancer benefit for people who are medically required to wash their hands more? How dry will they get from all this washing? Will I need a bigger handbag to accommodate the hand wash and moisturiser I’ll have to cart about with me? And what if I wanted to taste somebody else’s lollipop? Will I have to buy my own?

I have never licked a door handle, but knowing that I can now never lick a door handle seems unfair. I feel like I have missed out.

It’s a can of dirty worms.

Fortunately, I am pragmatic. If I need to wash my hands like an obsessive, then I will. I have enrolled myself on an intensive hand washing course. Apparently, every time you wash your hands you have to wash between the fingers and the wrist with soap for at least 10 seconds. I will find out whether I passed in June.

Wish me luck. I’m reaching for a First.

EJB x

*PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT*
Antibacterial hand wash is not a sufficient substitute for soap and water. Medically Trained People are advised to use it twice before washing. True story.

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