Tag Archives: healing

My Chi

I am not a spiritual person. I am not actually sure what a ‘spiritual person’ is, but I would bet EMan on the fact that I am not of that ilk. I am not a religious person either. When it comes to believing in something that I cannot see, experience or evidence, I struggle. And by struggle, I mean I look constipated when I think about it. I really have tried several times in my lifetime. Meditation for example, looks so much fun. I genuinely believe that my life would improve if I managed to get a bit of zen and, you know, allowed myself to believe in its existence. As somebody with respect for others and their beliefs and all the jazz that makes me a perfect, humane person, I am most perplexed that my belief in existence is still so black and white. Black and white and westernised, just with the occasional massage or reiki session.

It is rare these days, that when in comes to the topic of cancer, for me to experience something new or be surprised by it. Last week, I managed to be surprised. As somebody on the minimum wage, I found myself in a taxi, which I hailed with my stick outside the cancer centre, with just myself and a devout taxi driver for company. These facts are important, because they explain how we got onto the subject of the subject we we talking about. My taxi driver introduced me to something that I had not considered at all since my diagnosis, and that something, was called ‘healing’. Not sexual healing, even I could do with a bit of that right now, he was selling, spiritual healing.

On the face of it, simple exercises designed to help one relax and breathe correctly is a beneficial thing. Positive thinking is also something I could take a dose of. This, so the taxi driver told me, is what Qigong is all about. Well, actually, it is about an invisible energy, chi, and the cultivation of it to improve ones life force, according to the worldwide web. Great I thought, I can get me some of that, it sounded like a less energetic form of Zumba. And then, he went on. And on. Traffic was heavy, so it went on some more. Qigong, he said, could cure cancer. Not medicine, Qigong.

In fact he said, the exercises are preventative and if I had been doing them already, I would not have myeloma now. Shame that. It’s not too late, he said, I could have I individual healing sessions with his master. I looked at their website and these sessions come with a 85% success rate, with a minimum of four sessions depending on the illness, at a cost of £300 per session. The taxi driver rightly pointed out though, that what is £300 when it can save your life? Indeed.

If only… I am stuck between thinking that this exchange is deplorable and insulting on the one hand, and thinking that if it gives some people hope, then what harm can be done, on the other. Personally, I know where I stand, but I am yet to reach the point where such an option would seem appealing. It appeals to me about as much as a visit to Lourdes does. Actually, at least the latter would be a holiday.

I can sit on my sofa and think that all the above is ludicrous. I can continue to have faith in western medicine, I like that it does not offer me the universe and it does not tell me that I am wrong. I hope that in the long, long, term when my end is near, that I do not wonder whether I should have explored the spiritual or religious path, rather than ridicule them.

I do not know why the thought it is making me angry.

This is enough, right?


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Knowing The Cycle

I am wiped out. As in, actually wiped out. For the last four days, I have been into the clinic everyday, for a minimum of four and a half hours each trip, and I have received four doses of chemotherapy and two reduced doses of velcade. And thus, as my body now battles four days worth of rather strong chemicals, and I guess My Myeloma, I am absolutely pooped.

Current symptoms include the following:

• fatigue – I fell asleep on my way home in the ambulance
• lack of concentration
• nausea
• stomach cramps
• slight neuropathy in my left limbs – aka the pins and needles and more cramp
• hot flushes
• a constant taste of metal in my mouth – Tin Mouth, Tin Mouth! The un-kissable dream
• headache
• neck stiffness
• constipation

Don’t feel sorry for me though, oh no.

What differs from this cycle from my previous three cycles, specifically the last one when my symptoms worsened, is that I know there is an end date to this misery. I am not entirely sure whether I will be fortunate enough for this to pass by Saturday morning but if it doesn’t, I know it will pass at some point over the weekend or early next week. Hell, it may even pass tomorrow. Who knows? Must stay hydrated.

I have no control over this feeling, but I do have control in how I manage it mentally. So, what you are actually reading is a happy blog, you just need to read between the lines.

My key message to you and myself is that this will pass. Although I am pretty much bed bound right now, I know it will pass at some point. These current feelings and sensations are just another chapter in my future best seller ‘A Means To An End: Marry Me, I Am Bald, I Had Cancer, But I Think You Are Fly’.

In the long run, feeling this shit, is making me better. One day, some clever person will invent drugs that do not have side effects, but in the meantime, I am a brave enough Very Pleasant Young Lady who is just going to lie in bed by herself and ride out this rather nasty wave.

As I am not one to shy away from the hideous side of my treatment, please feel free to view this photograph of me looking tired. I am sure Housemate saw worse when he got home this evening.


Sleep tight now.


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