Tag Archives: lazy

Lazy Bones

I think I have been incredibly lazy this last week. I cannot actually gauge whether this is true. I try and recall previous weeks and months since My Myeloma hit and I do not feel like I can compare my laziness to anything I have already experienced.

I feel incredibly lazy.

The problem, I suspect with now, is that my mind is able, but my body cannot get enough sleep. Bar the odd interruption at night, I slept for 12 hours a night over the bank holiday and when I woke up, I didn’t want to do much. My body was saying no. The latest bout of sleep is not accompanied by any sense of illness, and thus, every time I give in to it, I am riddled with guilt. I imagine all the things I could be doing, but when I am in that moment, I just want to carry on relaxing. Last week, I had a whole plan, I was going to achieve so many things, but to be honest with you, I achieved half of it and what I achieved didn’t really involve any socialising, despite how much I wanted to see McKenna. Sure I went to Northampton on Friday, but that meant that Saturday was pretty much non existent.

I find my lack of energy frustrating. The mornings continue to be a struggle and I imagine will remain so, but it creeps up on me whenever it wants now, at least for the past week anyway, aka, my barometer. I know that realistically, I would have experienced something similar before, on many occasions in fact, I just can’t remember them right now and plus, I like fixating over something to do with my health. My current fatigue is quite different to a steroid crash, when I do not feel guilty because I do not have the energy. As for now, when I am not feeling guilty for wasting my ‘healthy’ days, I actually find it quite pleasurable.

Cancer hides a multitude of sins. I wouldn’t have got away with it before.Aren’t you getting dressed today? I can’t, I’ve got cancer. Sleeping until 14:00hrs is not an acceptable lie in. I can’t help it, I’ve got cancer. Emma, change your knickers. I can’t get out of bed to wash my clothes, I have cancer…It can go on.

I imagine that I beat myself up over days that I perceive I am wasting, more than anybody else would. I don’t want to waste them. I even reason with myself that wasting a day means I can have a better day the next. Sometimes that might be true. Sometimes, I just carry on lying in bed like a slug, using up our data allowance.

I am sure people will have their opinions about how I should spend my day. They keep them to themselves, well, at least away from me anyway. If I think about it rationally, I do as much as I can to make my life not just about this. When I put it like that, that is how, if it were possible for me to view my existence from the sky, I have to view it. I want gold stars. I am not always rational though, I will continue to beat myself up.

However, if somebody else apart from me were to question it, my existence, and question me and my bed times, I’d probably punch them in the face. Not metaphorically. I’d actually punch them, if not me, EMan would. My theory on a lot of this is, have myeloma, at the age of 28 and then talk down to me about how to manage it with less time in bed, until then, my opinion rules.

There are always exceptions to my rules however, and on this specific subject, I found one last weekend. She is called Lara. She is six.

So, on Saturday, I was embracing my bed at Mamma Jones’ house and this little skinny thing found herself in my room at sometime after midday and said;

” Get up lazy bones.”

“Emma, you are a lazy bum.”

“Your room smells like farts. Farts and poo.”

“Are you still in bed because of cancer?”

And if that was not enough, she insisted on taking a photograph. I let her because she is six and it would be wrong to punch her in the face. I guess I love her too, but still…

The photo she took was a good reminder. There really are days when I just cannot get up, and for now, it has to be okay. Not for you, for me.

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I’ll try.

EJB x

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Waking Up

I have never been a morning person. I have always enjoyed a lie in and I have always loathed an early start. I did the latter because I had to, I’m an adult after all, but rarely did I take pleasure in it.

Since my diagnosis, I have continued to set my alarm clock every week day; whether I get up when it goes off is another matter entirely. Keeping that normality however, pressing the snooze button multiple times, is important to me and I have no intention of turning it off. My drugs and My Myeloma in general make me tired, so that snooze button gets used a lot now. Six times this morning. Fortunately for me, I also have a human, who acts as an alarm clock before he goes to work, and that usually gets me moving. If not moving and dressed, at least temporarily out of bed for a pee and a cup of tea.

The struggle to wake up these days, under the influence of thalidomide is proving to be much more difficult. As I have always been something of a sloth, it means that I am now late for every day time activity, including my treatment every Friday at 11. The excuses I give for this varies, but I am yet to use, ‘I just couldn’t get up’. I suppose I could change the time of my appointment, but if it was later, I know that I would be in exactly the same position as when it is at 11. At least it forces me to get up. I always have grand plans about the time I am going to get up and become a human, but at 07:30hrs, that usually goes out the window. By 09:00hrs, I just hope that the next day will be better.

I am a zombie in the morning, correction, every morning. I usually feel like I have downed a good few pints of Kronenberg the previous night and that sensation will stay with me until at least midday when I will eventually be able to converse without going cross eyed. Even on the days and nights when insomnia is visiting, I am awake, but my body is incapable of getting up. I get through the mornings at a snails pace and it is frustrating. If I do happen to have plans before 14:00hrs on a day, I try to take my drugs before 22:00hrs the night before, because this will make a difference on my performance when I wake. It doesn’t however completely remove the hangover. If only it did. Fortunately, I have dealt with many a hangover in my time.

Gone are the days where I can skip breakfast. Added to my current levels of tardiness, is the fact that I have to take drugs and eat before I do anything. There is a timetable within that however, so I am not talking about a five minute slot every morning where I shove things down my gob. It is slow, leisurely affair. My bowel issues will almost always delay me in the morning. I imagine not many people have to schedule in poo time. The sad thing is, one cannot predict how long this activity will actually take.

I really do hate being late for everything. I have felt it more over the last few days, but I think that is because my alarm clock has taken himself on a holiday, so I have to take on a little bit more responsibility for my actions. Or lack there of.

One day I’ll be able to wake up at 06:30hrs again and then be ready in 45 minutes, but unfortunately, I suspect that for this chapter of my life, I cannot exist before 11:00hrs.

To be clear, all of this is not because I am lazy, it’s because I have cancer. Nobody can argue with that.

EJB x

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