How does one spend their last 30 minutes of comfort in their flat before walking out and starting what is going to be one hell of a double stem cell transplant of an ordeal? Writing a self indulgent blog of course and eating a bowl of multi grain porridge. I can multi task.
And so, after months and months and quadruple that of treatment and mental preparation, I am finally here, at the point of no return. Well, unless I get there and they decide I have a bug, but I am not really thinking about that. Unless typing it is thinking about it, but I only have 28 minutes, so it is best to not delve any deeper into my paranoid fear.
I do not feel ready to leave my warm and cosy flat, but I never really anticipated to. I am ready for things to progress, as horrible as that progression is going to be. The last week, in particular had been quite difficult. Yesterday, I could no stand the warm and heartfelt reminders that it was my last day of freedom, that were coming through my phone, so I turned it off. I didn’t actually turn it off, I just switched it to aeroplane mode so I could still play games.
Filling up my good cylinder in readiness for today has been a task. A fun task, but also one fraught with emotion as I fought fatigue and melancholy. A lot of melancholy. Until last Monday, my social activity had destracted me so much, that I had almost forgotten that April Fool’s was looming.
I will not least everything I have done this past month, for it may sound churlish. It’s included the theatre, the seaside, food, film and Harry Potter. All rather grand and highly medicinal. Last night, at my request, I stayed in, made roast chicken with rice and sweetcorn and watched ‘batteries not included’. That’s not a grammatical error, that’s how they write it. I know I will not be able to do all that for a long wee while and that is where my melancholy takes hold, but I must be strong. I have to be strong when I know that it’ll be a while before I see this in the morning time again;
But that is my life and I have to be a grown up about that don’t I?
I now have 11 minutes, so I should probably wrap this up because I expect I am going to need all my energy and focus to stop me from crying in front of Housemate.
I’ll see you in a bit. In the meantime, why don’t you look at some fun?
BRING IT ON.